From Divorce to Dating to Work: When To Push or Let Go

All around me, people are getting divorced. Colleagues confide in me at networking events, friends announce over dinner, and distant acquaintances post it on Facebook. As someone still (thankfully, fingers and toes crossed) happily married — and the only intact marriage in three generations of my family — I am awed by the difficulty of the decision to stop trying, accept the sunk costs, and just let go.

Because no matter who’s at fault, or who wanted what, at some point to find peace you need to stop pushing and accept what is.

You can use your full energy and control many variables, right up until you can’t.

Knowing when to push (or not) is hard enough for the little stuff, not to mention the life-changing decisions. Well beyond divorce, this concept of when to push or let go is a tender, nuanced affair that affects so much of our lives. It dictates foreign policy, the wars we fight, and the health of our most intimate friendships and family relationships. It influences our careers, and how we manage the job market. And if you’re in sales, you know an over-steer on one variable can kill the deal.

Confession: I am not very good at making the right call.

My natural inclination is to push, and if that doesn’t work, double down and push harder. If I’m really inspired, I’ll find another spot to push from.

So I’ve had to teach myself to hold back and let things play out. Because sometimes that’s the right angle to take, and other times it’s the only one. It also brings clarity and a chance to recalibrate.

True influence comes from the dance of pushing and retracting, in balanced orchestration so no toes feel stepped on yet positions are clear.

Knowing this doesn’t always make it easier though. Especially in times of stress or uncertainty.

(By the way, I know there are many people who have the opposite issue — they prefer to let the universe make the decision for them. It’s two sides to the coin, and can be a problem at both extremes.)