By Guest-blogger Joe Beam
Do you think your husband or wife might be cheating? We’ll first let me say that you should never accuse your spouse of having an affair without solid proof. This list is designed to help you determine if you have solid proof or if you are just being a little too possessive of your spouse. After more than twenty years of working with marriages that have been hurt by affairs I can tell you that hunches and “gut feelings” are often correct but not always. Please use this list of clues at your own risk and with your own power of discernment.
- Cell phone – These days an affair revolves around a cell phone. It’s easy to delete call and text history. It can be used to talk to the lover while driving. It can be used to quickly alter or call off plans. And it can be protected and hidden. Does your spouse cling to his/her cell phone and become upset if you touch it? Do they keep it near them or in their pocket even on days when they’re at home? Do they leave the room a lot to take a call when it’s just the two of you? Are they constantly texting? When your spouse is in the shower, do your best to quickly check their cell phone to see if they’ve deleted any texts. You do this by taking note of a time you notice them texting and then check to see if that text was deleted. You must be quick and quiet to do this but try to do it a few times until you have an answer.
- Unavailable – Your spouse won’t answer their phone when you call and later will explain why they couldn’t but something won’t add up. Maybe it’s just a hunch or intuition on your part but remember that it’s pretty easy to answer a cell phone, but to make up a lie about where you are can be difficult especially if you’re with someone else who you don’t want to know about your marriage. This type of avoidance can also be a result of conscience in that your spouse may not want to hear your voice while he/she is with their lover.
- Anger – Is your spouse angry when you “pry too much”? If you start asking her about where she’s been does she show frustration or irritation? If so, you’ve got another fly on top of the camel’s back.
- Your sex life – Has your sex life changed recently? Is he not as interested? Or is he/she wanting to do things that you two haven’t done before? Has your spouse taken emotion and love out of sex and made it into only a physical release? It doesn’t necessarily mean that your spouse is cheating, but many cheaters do this when it comes to sex with their spouse.
- Shampoo – This clue will especially be true of a longtime cheater. When you get a chance, smell your spouse’s hair before they leave. Then smell it when they come back. If the shampoo scent is different when they come back, you could very likely have a cheater. Why would your spouse need to shower while they were away when he/she wasn’t staying the night anywhere? If you point this out to them, you’ll note that a cheating spouse will quickly put space between the two of you, unsure of what else you might notice and feeling that “caught” feeling. Plus it will be easy to tell that they are completely making up a lie to explain why they had to shower.
- New Lingerie – This is more true of women, but men have been known to have fancy new undies for the benefit of the lover. Does she have lingerie you’ve never seen before? It’s most likely because she didn’t plan on wearing it with you around. Or else she probably would have at least showed it to you and asked if you like it. The lie will likely be that she was waiting to surprise you. Maybe, but it’s not likely. Think back to when/if she has bought lingerie in the past. Didn’t she show it to you before she wore it or wore it within a short time of buying it? And the bonus clue on this point is, ask yourself if lingerie is something she’s worn often before. Because if she hasn’t worn much of it in the past and now she’s buying some and not even showing you or wearing it with you, you’ve got another sign of a cheating spouse.
- Email Accounts – Does your spouse have a new email account that you’ve never heard of? Or does he change his password and refuse to tell you? This isn’t a certain sign, but when compiled with the others, it’s just basic math. And something doesn’t add up.
- Facebook and Social Networking Websites – Does he (or she) list himself as married or single? Are there any pictures of you at all? If someone looked at his profile would they even know you existed? If you wanted to sign onto his Facebook account would you be able to? Does he minimize the screen when you walk in? Do you find him viewing profiles of people you don’t know and whom he is very vague about when you ask? Has he (or she) changed his main profile picture to something more sexual or is he overly concerned with how it looks? Again, these things could add up to an affair.
- Does your spouse accuse you of having an affair? – An experienced cheater will live and die by distractions. If they feel you’ve got too much information or have a reason to be suspicious, your spouse might just accuse you of having an affair of your own. If you aren’t and you know they have no reason to believe that you are, then it’s possible they’re just trying to distract you and make you feel guilty or silly for suspecting them. After all, why would your spouse care if you were having an affair if she is having one of her own? That’s what they want you to think. It’s a head fake designed to make you look the other way and overlook the obvious. Again, when combined with the other clues on this list, it’s a compounding sign of guilt.
- Money – An affair can be expensive. Is there unaccounted for money? Has your spouse taken to carrying cash around with them instead of using a check or credit card? Unless they’re trying to use a cash only system to control expenses, it’s possible your spouse is paying with cash so that there’s not a record of what they’re buying. The sixty dollars on a fancy dinner for two can easily be explained away by an oil change that required new air filters and windshield wipers or a round of golf. Women might explain it away with having something done to their hair. If you’re already suspicious, verify that what your spouse claims to have spent the money on is true. Do the wipers look new to you? Do the golf clubs look dirty? Does her hair really look any different? Can you find a receipt?
- BONUS TIP – Lying. A cheating spouse HAS to lie. Or else your spouse would tell you she’s cheating. Once you start catching your spouse in lies, you have to ask yourself, “why”? Why lie about money, shampoo, a Facebook page, lingerie and other things? Why not produce receipts and why are they deleting text messages? Here’s why: Because when people are hiding something, they lie. When they don’t want you to know something, they hide information. People lie and hide because they want to avoid the consequences of their actions. So the question begs to be asked, what actions are they hiding? The likelihood of your spouse having an affair increases with each lie you discover and becomes almost a certainty when constant lying is combined with the clues on this page.
I truly hope that your spouse is not cheating on you. If you find that your spouse is cheating, you have two options. One is that you procure a lawyer to protect your rights and get a divorce. The other is that you feel you are able to forgive and do what it takes to save your marriage. Different circumstances require different resolutions. I pray you make the best decision.