Helping Your Child Cope with Divorce

Out of the 49,816 divorces in New York State in 2009, 18,810 couples reported having one or more children at the time of divorce. Having children certainly complicates divorce in a variety of ways, from settling finances, to custody arrangements as well as emotional affects.

A divorce is stressful enough for a child, so it is important that you and your spouse do not further involve your relationship troubles. Be careful with what you say in front of your child, bad-mouthing your spouse can have a greater affect than you realize. It can cause resentment, distrust and discomfort and make the child feel pressured to choose a side. Your child will thrive more with a loving, healthy relationship with both parents. Letting your child know that you and your ex will do whatever’s possible to help and support them may help kids realize that they are not to blame for the divorce.

An obvious, but potentially the most difficult, way to help your child cope with to divorce is to acknowledge that it happened. Not only is your child allowed to be upset, but they should be comfortable expressing how they feel to you. Children will react in different ways: some may cry, some yell or some may just want to talk. If you are having trouble communicating or don’t know exactly what to say, consider therapy as a way for your child to cope.

The return of school for your children also brings new considerations. Nan Cohen, the host of “Dealing with Divorce” on Pittsburgh’s KQV-Am, also explains that school and divorce can be a particularly stressful mix for children. Children may feel pulled in both directions in terms of where to ask for help or who to come to school events. Cohen says, “When you tackle that calendar of carpooling, parent-teacher meetings, arts programs and sports, keep the happiness of your child foremost,” emphasizing, “These are not chores for parents; these are milestones to share with your children.” Working as a team for the benefit of your child can improve the relationship you have with your ex, but remember that the ultimate goal is to support your kids. He also points out that maintaining similar schedules or rules at both houses for activities, doing homework or bedtime can be helpful in creating a stable “home” for your child.

Sources: New York State Department of Health, hitched  and digital journal